Trigger Warning; Death, Suicide
I feel the morning sunlight stream through my thin curtains and onto my face, awaking me from my restless slumber. I lie in bed for a moment, staring into the rafters of my cottage and smiling as I remember what today is. It’s my and Emily’s 20th anniversary. It’s been torture being away from her for so long, but after today, I will never have to leave her arms again. I hop out of bed and slowly stretch my stiff joints, my shoulder making an audible pop when I lift my arms over my head. Years of working in the mines has taken away the spryness of my youth, turning my muscles tight and hands rough. The job is not an easy one or even an enjoyable one, but it’s a living.
I begin to go through my regular morning routine, with a few extra flourishes in preparation for my meeting this afternoon. I enjoy my usual breakfast of boiled oats with a dash of cinnamon. The aromatic seasoning is quite a delicacy out here, but since the spice dealer would probably trade his soul in exchange for one of the wild turkeys that frequent my garden, it’s one of the few luxuries that I can afford. The smell of the cinnamon brings back memories of my Emily dancing through the kitchen as she prepares one delicious baked good or another. The food that she used to make was borderline magical and would have put even the king’s cooks to shame. I never quite got the hang of the baking thing, but using her favorite spices always brings back plenty of wonderful memories.
Upon finishing my breakfast, I make my way to the old well out back to retrieve some bath water. As I draw the water, I look out into the woods that border the land behind my house. Many people fear the woods and its wild residents for reasons that I can easily understand. The trees are tall and dense, making it easy for even the most directionally savvy traveler to get lost, and the forest is home to many creatures made of sharp claws and gnashing teeth.
This paranoia is made even worse by the stories that are told about the forest, tales of witches who lay curses on every unsuspecting man they see, or demons that will make away with your soul. Of course many of these tales were nothing more than warnings from tired mothers to their misbehaving children, or tall tales told after someone had a few too many pints at the local inn. But despite the dangers that the woods held, both real and fictional, I can’t help but feel comfort in that sea of trees. The wind blowing through the leaves feels like a lullaby, ushering me into their warm embrace.
Ignoring the visceral urge I have to run and disappear amongst those trees, I grab my now full bucket and turn back towards my cottage. Soon, I tell myself.
Once the water has been boiled, I scrub the grime and dust from my skin, taking extra time to clean the dirt from under my fingernails and the grease from my graying hair. Normally I wouldn’t bother with such things, but for Emily I needed to look my best. I pull on my nicest linens, taking care to not crease my clothes as I dress, and pack a basket full of delicious food.
A fresh loaf of bread from the bakery is placed next to the small package of gingerbread cookies, Emily’s favorite. I also add a length of smoked sausage, a couple of apples, a chunk of soft cheese, and most importantly, a small bottle of nightshade from the local alchemist. The contents of this basket cost me a fortune, but money will no longer be a concern of mine after today.
I pull the letter I had written a few weeks prior out from one of the rafters, and after giving it a once over, tack it to my front door as I leave. In the off chance that someone comes looking for me, this note will hopefully explain everything.
Before heading out to the woods, I give the place that I called home for so long one final glance. I’d be lying if I said that I wouldn’t miss that house, that place holds so many of my memories. It’s where I grew up, that garden is where I learned how to read, and that kitchen is where I shared many meals with my wife. Leaving this place is the hardest part of this entire plan, but without the people that I love, it’s nothing more than a building to keep the cold out of my bones and the rain off of my head. Steeling my nerves and wiping a tear from my eye I head towards the woods, leaving that little house and all of its memories behind me.
As I finally enter the embrace of the forest, I breathe a sigh of relief. I’ve always loved it here. The sound of the birds singing their songs, the way the sunlight filters through the leaves patterning the ground with fascinating shapes, the entire place feels like walking into another world. Emily used to say that it was such a cruel irony that someone who was so in love with the sun was forced to make his living underground, and I honestly can’t blame her. Every aspect of the mines feel like they are slowly sucking the life out of me, versus the freedom that I feel out here.
These woods give me life, and are more home to Emily and me than any other place. She used to drag me out here the second that I got home from work just to show me all of the new plants and birds that she had found while foraging. She has always been so in love with the world around her, and had a warmth to her that would make even the coldest winter days thaw.
When she got sick, the fact that she couldn’t go out into the woods anymore broke her heart. I still remember her pale, slight frame sitting at the window, staring into the trees with a longing deeper than the ocean. I would try and carry her out here so that she could still hear the birds and feel the sun on her face, but after a while, even that became too much for her broken body. Seeing her like that hurt me more than I ever knew I could hurt, but now, she gets to spend eternity in these woods.
After walking through these enchanting woods for a while , I finally make it to our clearing. It’s a small patch of the woods filled with tall grass and bright yellow flowers, with a great oak tree standing tall in the center. The trunk is knotted and twisting, an acknowledgement to its ancient existence. This place was always our favorite spot. It’s where I got on one knee and asked Emily to marry me, and where I buried her emaciated body once it could no longer hold her spirit.
On the day that I dug that grave I thought that I had lost her forever. I thought that the one person that I loved more than anything else in the world was gone forever, and it shattered me. But these woods contain a special kind of magic, one that holds the world in a balance and keeps memories alive. A special magic that lets Emily come back to me for one day of the year, allowing me to keep her light in my life even after she died.
As I approach the tree, I see her excitedly waving at me, the sunlight filtering through her semitranslucent form and creating multicolored shards of sunlight on the ground in front of her. I feel my face break into a wide smile at the sight of her short frame. Whatever magic brought her back made her appear as her bright and bubbly self, with her long auburn hair and full cheeks, rather than the ghost of a person that she had become at the end.
Tilting the basket so that I won’t dump its precious content, I run towards my beautiful wife before lifting her into a bear hug, feeling her wrap her soft arms around my large frame and bury her face into my shirt.
“ I missed you.” I whisper to her as I hold her close, not wanting to let go. She mumbles something in return, her words muffled by my chest, and we hold onto each other for a few more minutes, neither of us wanting this moment to end. As we finally unweave our arms from our heavenly embrace I stare lovingly into her beautiful nut brown eyes, so happy that I get to see them again after a year of languishing without them.
“Come on!” Emily says excitedly pulling me to a flattened spot in the grass, “we have so much to talk about!”
I lay out the old tablecloth that I packed for us to sit on as Emily begins unpacking the basket, pulling out the dishes that we stored in a hole at the base of the tree and dusting them off. She arranges the food onto the two plates before handing me one as I pull out the package of cookies from the basket. She laughs with excitement when the cookies are revealed.
“Gingerbread!” She squeals, clapping her hands together in excitement.
“My favorite!”
I hand one of the little cookie men to her and we cheer them like wine glasses before taking a bite from their delicious spiced bodies. Emily’s mother used to say that life was too short to not enjoy sweet things, so in memory of her we’ve made it a tradition to always eat the treats before the meal. Emily closes her eyes as she savors each bite of the little cookie man dressed in icing and dried fruits. She doesn’t talk much about what it’s like on the other side, but from what I have been able to deduce, she can’t taste anything outside of these annual visits when she is able to become corporeal again. So I’ve always made sure to pack her favorite foods.
Once we finish our cookies, we talk about how the last year has been while picking at the food on our plates. She tells me about how things have been in the woods, telling me about the new migration patterns of birds and how many fawns were born this year. I don’t tell her much about my life, not wanting to ruin the moment with the depressing tale that it has become.
We talk and laugh for hours as I find a comfort in her presence that I don’t feel anywhere else. These annual visits are the only good part of my life. Getting to just sit in the woods with the woman that I love as we talk about everything and nothing fills me with so much joy. Leaving these little meetings always feels like ripping the heart from my chest, but after today, I won’t have to complete this horrid task ever again.
“What is it?” Emily asks, noticing my faraway stare.
”Oh nothing.” I replied. “I was just thinking about how much I love being able to spend time with you.” She smiles at my words.
”I love this too, I wish that there was a way that we could do this every day.” She says in a mournful tone.
”What if there was?” As I ask this I pull out the bottle that I had hidden at the bottom of the basket. She looks at me slightly puzzled for a few moments as I uncork the bottle before the realization dawns upon her.
”No.” She says firmly, her face steeled with determination.
”But darling, this way we can be together forever.” I say pleadingly.
She grabs my hand, clasping it tightly as she stares me dead in the eye. “I don’t care.” Her gaze softens slightly. “Honey, I know how much you miss me, and honestly, each day without you is torture, but you have a life to live, and you need to live it. I can’t let you do this.”
”What life?” I exclaim with a laugh. “I work at a job that sucks the life out of me, live in a house full of ghosts, and the living only ever look at me with pity. I have nothing to live for except these visits with you. By doing this I get to experience the only good things in my life every day.”
Upon my saying this, she looks away sadly, clearly not happy with my decision.
“Hey hey hey,” I say soothingly as I clasp her face in my hands. I turn her head to face me and see her eyes filling with tears.
”You are the only thing that I ever had to live for, there’s no point to life without you. I know that you think that this is a mistake, but I’m already basically a ghost in life, so why not be dead somewhere I cherish and with someone that I love.”
At these words, the barely contained tears begin to spill from her eyes as she wraps me in a tight embrace.
I hold her as she bawls in my arms. I don’t know if her grief is in response to my choice, or for the sad story that my life has become. Once she calms down enough to get words out she looks up at me.
“ Is there any chance that I can change your mind on this?” She asks, tears still pouring down her face. I shake my head someberly.
“Ok then.” She sits up, wiping the ghostly tears from her eyes. “If there is no way that I can change your mind, then I will stay with you. Even if I don’t approve of your choices, I won’t let you die alone.”
I smile sadly at this as she grabs a glass from the now empty basket and fills it with the poison. Her hands shake as she hesitantly hands it to me.
“Thank you for understanding.” I say as I take the glass from her.
“Through sickness and through health right?” She replies with a shaky smile.
Forever and always.” I respond, completing our vow. I take a final breath of the fresh air around me, and then in one swift motion, before I lose the nerve, I lift the glass to my lips and drink. We sit together as the sun sets on both the world and my life. I smile softly as I feel my body begin to fade, and Emily and I cling to each other as the poison works its way through my system. Two lovers hand in hand, facing eternity.
No ratings yet.
You must be logged in to rate this post.