Barbara blinked in a haze. In these scenarios usually no survivors are found. But she had been found mud-caked and nearly frozen to death in the bitter Alaskan wilderness. Barbara Keniston was the only survivor of a group of four scientists, one field guide, and a journalist who was doing a report on Arctic wolves and their feeding habits. Barbara had agreed to come out here to study the wolves because she loved the wolves so much. She even raised a few cubs whose mother had died after being shot by hunter. She had raised the wolves from cubs to masterful, cunning inhabitants of this harsh winter climate. Barbara loved learning about how climate changed affected the mortality and sustainability of these fine creatures. After all, she had spent the last twelve years researching wolves. She found the creatures beautiful and a true testament that if there was a God, then these creatures were proof. They were the closest things to celestial beings that she could think of.
But she in this moment was far from Heaven. She had never been so cold in her life as she was now, and she couldn’t get any closer to Hell than now. She wanted to die. She knew the end was near and she couldn’t get it to stop. It was relentless. It taunted her…
She was so weak that she barely had enough energy to look over at Neil. Neil was even worse than her. He was wasting away. And she knew that in the coming hours, possibly days, he wouldn’t make it. It stared at her in her face. The hunger. It was as black and relentless as the devil, and their whole group had been lost out here in the cold. The worst part is they were so remote that even if a search party came for them, it would take weeks for the snow to melt in order for any rescue team to safely get out here. She knew that when she started this project she would only really have a week before they needed to return. But when they got back to the snowmobiles, they were too cold to crank back up. Leah never kept her phone on her, and Neil lost his phone the first week.
Barbara knew she was hopeless. And she knew there was no hope for either of them. The last of the food rations had been eaten three days ago. And Barbara had only been sustaining herself on the melted icicles. Neil was fading too. And when they spoke, he really just prattled on about nothing. She had lost track of time, and she was using Neil’s body heat to keep warm. Barbara was his lifeline, and she only had two options, starve or somehow make it back to the access road and hope a trucker would find her on the side of the road.
The food had run out, and their only source of fire would soon run out. Barbara had to bury Leah a few days ago. She had literally frozen to death. At the time, Barbara and Neil hadn’t realized how dire their situation had been. Leah, Barbara, Neil, and Bashanti had stayed behind while Amir and Natalia had gone together to see if they could find their way back to the access road. It had been over a week since both Natalia and Amir had left. The others assumed the worst. They knew in the heart of hearts that they didn’t make it.
With the four them remaining, Neil had the advantage since he was a trained field guide who knew the area. And for a while, he had kept the rest of them sustained. He had helped them keep it at bay. Dr. Bashanti Patel had been Barbara’s colleague for the last three years, and together they had created a special department in the Ecological Research Facility of the United States just to study these wolves. They had done extensive research and got the necessary funding to create this project, to help the wolves deal with their fading population and the climate crisis that is driving them closer and closer to extinction. Leah Blackwater was also another scientist who had joined the research project last year, as the program got more funding from the government and more donations from private individuals.
Neil Lancaster joined the group two months ago and had done some extensive research with Bashanti and Barbara at the helm. Dr. Amir Faheem and Natalia Moreno, a field journalist and master’s student where add-ons in the week prior to the field study. But now, it was just Barbara and Neil.
“Neil” She let out weakly.
She could see him move. His movements were languid and sluggish. She was tired too. She was beyond tired. But it always lingered in the back of her mind. It was staring at her. Salivating like one of the wolves. The hunger was present and not present at the same time.
“Neil.” She tried again.
The man looked over at her by said nothing. He was fading fast. He looked gaunt, and tired, and pale. It was consuming him more than it was consuming her.
“Neil, listen to me… (her mouth was so dry that she could feel the freeze crystalize what saliva was left in her mouth and throat.)
“Neil, I’ve got to try to make it to that access road. I know this isn’t ideal, but I have got to try. It has been three days since either of us has had food. Leah’s dead. And so is Bashanti. And Amir and Natalia probably are too. The wolves probably got them.” She looked over at Neil as she said this, but he didn’t respond back.
She reached up above her and broke off an icicle from a tree and sucked on it. The iciness of it sated her temporarily. It was a reminder that she was alive. She broke off another one and placed it up to Neil’s lips. She used it to comfort him and somehow keep it at bay, if even for just another minute.
She leaned in to listen to what Neil was saying but really all she could decipher was mindless mumbling. He wasn’t making sense in his delirious state, he’d occasionally laugh.
He shook his head at her but in her gut, she knew that she would be alone sooner than later. Through the shadow of the frosty pines, Barbara was losing light soon. The sun was going down and the orange-red glow mocked her as the sky choked the dying daylight into night. It returned along with more hopelessness. They were like two forest monsters that taunted them in the shadows. Hiding like the wolves. It haunted her and Barbara had no recourse at this time. All she could do is sit with herself. No one is coming to save her. And the longer she waited the more it gnawed at her.
It gnawed and gnawed and gnawed until practically there was nothing left. Nothing left but the dark. Barbara was swallowed whole. Consumed. Consumed by the dark. Consumed by the stinging and burning cold. Soulless. That was how it felt. In the twilight hour of approaching death. She even laughed to herself. She was out here, and she chose to be here on purpose. Goddammit!
Goddammit! Why had she chosen this? This pain! This endless darkness. To be so educated, and to be so foolish….
She decided the only thing she could do was build a fire. Although her options were limited with dry firewood, she had to try. She looked in her backpack where she had a pack of matches. She had mustered up enough strength to clear enough space to build a fire. So, she worked for what seemed like hours. She finally found enough timber to light the fire.
Matches. She only had four left so once they were gone, they were gone. She pulled Neil close to the fire to warm him, and she thought about a conversation they had had when they first arrived.
“…if things ever get too bad, you have my permission to eat me..” Neil had said. She thought about how some of them had laughed and they joked around with each other. She remembered Natalia’s smiling face, and she smiled to herself. Natalia was so pretty. She was the youngest one in their group, and she had a promising future ahead of her.
She shook the conversation out her head. Neil had been joking. She knew that much for sure. As the fire crackled, she knew it was best to keep warm. That’s all she could do.
She was exhausted. She was so tired and the fire was luring her to sleep. It began to gnaw.
To escape the itching, the ever-present reminder of it, she decided to dose. She knew she couldn’t completely sleep because it wouldn’t allow her.
It was powerful. It never ceased. And if it harassed her. Followed her every step. Watched her every move. Then she knew it was consuming Neil too.
Barbara was very much aware of just how asleep she was. Being out here made you extremely aware. She checked on Neil. He was still alive. For now. But his breathing was shallow.
She knew her only protection from it was to throw herself into a deep sleep. Let the fire rock her asleep, and then she’d come up with a plan in the morning. Perhaps this was her plan. Death would take her in the night and then it would finally be gone. She had won…
She jolted awake. It must have been the very earliest of dusk, because she could barely see the light of the new day approaching. That early morning sky was reminding her of her dismal reality. It was as if the light of day was saying to her, “You’re fucked.” She actually laughed out loud at the absurdity of the moment. She laughed so hard tears glazed her cheeks. She was surprised she even had the water to cry tears.
She looked over at Neil.
“Neil?” She croaked. Her throat was scratchy as if the beginnings of a sore throat.
“Neil.” She repeated. But he did not respond.
She gulped as she felt the dread rise up in her blanketing her like the cold snow. She gulped because her instincts had told her what she already knew. Neil was gone. He was dead.
She scooched over towards him, and she grabbed his shoulder.
“Neil, are you okay?” She said, shaking him. But Barbara knew the truth. The truth was that the wilderness had took her colleague. Neil’s face had a bluish tint to it as if he had drowned. The more she came closer to that truth, the more reality set in. It had won. It consumed. It had left nothing. Barbara was truly alone now. And she had a feeling that she was next.
The last of the embers glowed and Barbara sat there in pity with her colleague’s corpse. In a way, he was her friend even in death. She sat there in numbness and swallowed by the cold. She sat there. It was back. And she knew it wasn’t going to leave. It was going to taunt her. To laugh at her. Barbara knew it was going to destroy her. It would win. It had already taken so much from her. Natalia. Amir. Bashanti. Leah. and now Neil.
Barbara began to scream. She screamed wildly and thrashed like God himself was looking down her. She had never felt like this before. It was a mixture of rage and terror and hopelessness and irony and stupidity and destruction and recklessness and hatred and hunger and nothing. She felt nothing. She looked down at her pitiful friend’s body and then she began to wretch.
Bile and saliva and even a bit of blood came up. She felt empty like a shell of a person. After her purge, she sat there in her nothing and her hunger. It crept inside her. She had no other purpose but to consume. She knew what she had to do.
She stood over his naked corpse and she swallowed. This was her only chance, and her scientific brain allowed her to analysis like that. It was either her or it. And she knew what had to be done. She knew if she didn’t try something then it would consume her too.
She took the machete from one of the supply packs and she rolled her sleeves up. She looked at the man, but she knew she had to not think of him as a person, a man who had a family and a life. She had to forget his name is Neil. For her, she had to remove his head first. That was the first order of business. She couldn’t eat that anyway. She mustered up all the strength she had and struck him right in the neck. She gasped as blood squirted out of the wound. Then she hacked again. The blood squirted up on her shirt this time and the blood released gas from the deathly cold. She began to gag but knew it was necessary. She hacked some more and heard a crack as the metal of the machete came in contact with his neck bone and some gristle. She gave it a few more hacks until the head separated from the body.
Barbara continued to filet his body, utilizing the meatiest parts for consumption. After she dismembered his arms and legs, she prepared the torso. She cut open the stomach to disembowel the entrails. She wasn’t going to use those. She figured she’d save those for the wolves. She looked down at her work and felt some guilt but also some relief that the hard part was over.
It was still taunting her but she tried to ignore it. Barbara managed to take the meat that she was going to eat, and she cut it up in manageable portions. She set them on the tarp she had found in the backpack. And she used another match to light another fire. She found some kindling and had built up a pretty good fire. She watched as the flames flickered and she could feel the heat from it. She managed to get the meat skewered on a stick she sharpened with the machete.
Barbara’s heart pounded as she was now as the point of no return. She was doing this for survival. That’s how she had to justify it in her head.
“You’re a murderer.” It said.
“You cannibalistic bitch.” It taunted.
Barbara breathed heavy in and out and she ignored it. She gulped and tried not to vomit as she pulled the smoked meat close to her face. She felt despicable and nasty.
She closed her eyes, and she could smell the roasted flesh.
It’s now or never. She thought and she brought it up to her mouth and she took a bite.
She chewed through the gamey flesh as blood dripped down her chin. No turning back now, and she swallowed.
In the darkness, it watched her.