The Many Clowns of Newark

Alright get this: a die-hard Sopranos fan, born and raised in the heart of Jersey, counting down the days until The Many Saints of Newark hit the screens, right?

I’m talking about yours truly.

See, I’ve been living and breathing these characters for years, and the thought of diving into their backstories had me more excited than a kid on Christmas morning. I wanted the nitty-gritty, the real deal, the kind of no-holds-barred storytelling that made The Sopranos a masterpiece. No more waiting week after week. A dense, two hour movie, laying it all out there for us. 

But let me tell you, when the credits rolled on this prequel, I felt like I got served a plate of shit and they wanted me to say Thank You. Sure, the film had its moments – a few shining stars in a cloudy sky – but in the end, it was like being with a whore for the third or fourth time: familiar, but lacking that deep connection, that heart and soul that made The Sopranos so special. The Many Saints of Newark promised a revelation, but delivered a shrug and an oogatzI. And for a fan like me, that just ain’t gonna cut it.

The thing about The Many Saints of Newark is that it’s trying to tell a story that’s bigger than a single fucking movie can handle. We’re talking about a complex web of characters and events spanning decades, all tied up in the messy world of the mafia in Newark. It’s like trying to fit the entire history of the DiMeo crime family into a couple of hours – it’s just not enough time to do it justice.

The heart of the problem is that the film is trying to cram in too much, too fast. We’ve got Dickie Moltisanti’s rise and fall, his complicated relationships with his father and Giuseppina, the whole rivalry with Harold McBrayer and the racial tensions in Newark, plus all the shit with young Tony Soprano and his fucked-up family life. It’s a lot to unpack, and the movie just doesn’t give it the space it needs to breathe.

You wanna know how they could’ve fixed this? Make it a fucking miniseries. Give us a few episodes to really dig into these characters, to explore their motivations and the events that shaped them. Let us see Dickie’s journey in more depth, show us how his choices and actions rippled out and affected everyone around him. And while we’re at it, give us more time with the younger versions of the iconic Sopranos characters, so we can see how they became the people we know and love from the original series.

But nah, instead we get this rushed, overstuffed mess of a movie that’s trying to do too much with too little. It’s like a plate of half-cooked pasta – sure, it’s got all the ingredients, but it’s just not satisfying. And for a story with this much potential, that’s a fucking shame.

Here’s the thing about The Many Saints of Newark – it’s like the bastard child of The Sopranos, you know what I mean? It’s got the same last name, but it doesn’t quite know what to do with that legacy. The movie’s stuck between two worlds, trying to please die-hard fans like us who’ve been living and breathing these characters for years, while also trying to hold the hand of newcomers who don’t know their gabagool from their goomah.

And let me tell you, it’s a goddamn mess. The film’s constantly winking and nodding at the audience, throwing in references and callbacks to the series like it’s some kind of fucking Easter egg hunt. But at the same time, it’s trying to tell its own story, to introduce new characters and conflicts that have nothing to do with the Soprano crew we know and love.

So what happens? It ends up being a half-assed compromise that doesn’t really satisfy anyone. The fans are left wondering why the hell we’re spending so much time on Dickie Moltisanti and his bullshit, when all we really want is more of that sweet, sweet Soprano family drama. And the newbies? They’re just fucking confused, wondering who all these people are and why they should give a shit about any of them.

It’s like the movie’s having an identity crisis, and we’re all paying the price for it. Instead of just picking a lane and committing to it, The Many Saints of Newark tries to be everything to everyone, and ends up being nothing to nobody. It’s a shame, because with a property as beloved as The Sopranos, you’d think they’d know better than to fuck it up like this.

And another thing that pisses me off about The Many Saints of Newark? The way they handle the fucking timeline. It’s like they couldn’t decide how old anyone was supposed to be, so they just threw a bunch of numbers in a hat and picked ’em out at random.

Take Silvio Dante, for example. In the series, he’s supposed to be around the same age as Tony, right? But in the movie, they’ve got him looking like he’s been around since the fucking Jurassic era. And don’t even get me started on Paulie Walnuts. The guy’s supposed to be a few years older than Tony, tops, but here he is looking like he’s ready to collect social security.

It’s not just the age thing, either. The whole movie feels disconnected from the series we know and love. The characters don’t quite act like themselves, the relationships don’t quite line up, and the whole thing just feels off. It’s like they’re trying to force these pieces together, but they don’t quite fit.

And that’s a big fucking problem for a prequel, you know what I mean? The whole point is to set up the story we already know, to show us how these characters and this world came to be. But when you’ve got inconsistencies and contradictions popping up left and right, it just breaks the illusion. It’s like a big neon sign flashing “THIS AIN’T THE SOPRANOS YOU REMEMBER, PAL!”

It’s a shame, because there’s so much potential here. They could’ve used this movie to really deepen our understanding of these characters, to show us how they became the people we know from the series. But instead, we get this disjointed mess that feels more like a half-assed fan fiction than a true prequel to one of the greatest fucking shows of all time.

But you wanna know what really breaks my heart about The Many Saints of Newark? It’s the way it completely fucking misses the point of what made The Sopranos so special in the first place. The series was a goddamn masterpiece, a once-in-a-generation kind of thing that had it all – the humor, the heartbreak, the big ideas about life and family and the fucked-up world we live in.

But this movie? It’s like they took all those ingredients and just threw ’em in the trash. The wit and the wisdom that made The Sopranos so fucking sharp, it’s nowhere to be found here. The characters are about as deep as a puddle in a parking lot, just a bunch of one-dimensional wiseguys going through the motions.

And don’t even get me started on the themes. The Sopranos was a show that had something to say about the human condition, about the way we all struggle to find meaning and purpose in a world that’s constantly trying to fuck us over. But The Many Saints of Newark? It’s like they were so focused on the gangster shit, on the violence and the power struggles, that they forgot about the heart and soul of the story.

Sure, the movie’s competently made, in the sense that it looks and sounds like a professional production. But that’s not enough, not by a long shot. Because without that spark, that special something that made The Sopranos so unforgettable, all you’ve got is a generic gangster flick with some familiar names and faces.

It’s a fucking tragedy, is what it is. Because The Sopranos deserved better than this. The fans deserved better. We deserved a prequel that lived up to the legacy of the series, that captured the magic and the complexity and the humanity of it all. Instead, we got a movie that’s about as satisfying as a plate of overcooked rigatoni – sure, it’ll fill you up, but it ain’t gonna leave you feeling nourished, you know what I mean?

So, where does that leave us with The Many Saints of Newark? I’ll tell you where – in a fucking dumpster fire of disappointment and wasted potential, that’s where. Sure, the movie’s got its moments – a few callbacks here, a couple of clever lines there – but at the end of the day, it’s like putting lipstick on a pig. It’s still a fucking pig, no matter how you dress it up.

And that’s the thing – this movie had everything going for it. It had the pedigree, the cast, the built-in fanbase. It could’ve been a triumph, a glorious return to the world of The Sopranos that deepened our understanding and appreciation of the series we all know and love. But instead, it’s just a half-assed cash grab, a movie that exists solely to capitalize on the goodwill and nostalgia of the fans.

As a standalone film, The Many Saints of Newark is about as compelling as watching paint dry. It’s got no real reason to exist, no story that justifies its own telling. And as a prequel to The Sopranos? Fuggedaboutit. It’s like a cheap knockoff of the real thing, a pale imitation that only serves to remind us of how much better the original was.

And that’s the real tragedy here. Because The Sopranos was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing, a show that changed the game and set the bar for what television could be. And The Many Saints of Newark? It’s just a footnote, a blip on the radar that’ll be forgotten as soon as the next big thing comes along.

So, to all the fans out there who were hoping for something more, something that lived up to the legacy of The Sopranos, I say this: save your money and your time. Rewatch the series instead, and remember why it was so fucking special in the first place. Because The Many Saints of Newark? It ain’t worth the plastic it’s printed on, and that’s the bottom fucking line.