A couple of months ago I submitted my writing for a magazine, soon after I had submitted my writing for a poetry contest. Neither submission was accepted, but that’s ok. For me, it was a huge step to find the confidence to submit anything. The magazine contacted me, and said they enjoyed my piece, but there was not enough space to include it, and encouraged me to try again. More than being disappointed, I just felt happy knowing someone had read my work and enjoyed it, because I have rarely ever shown my work before.
So here is my piece I submitted, and I hope someone enjoys reading it, and finds the confidence to submit their own work for publishing. I always remember, JK Rowling got turned down like 20 times before anyone published Harry Potter, and based on the “rules” of writing, the first chapter isn’t very good, but we see how the series grew to be published in so many languages and have movie series. Let’s stop being perfect and allow ourselves space to grow.
Reflections on Perfectionism
I keep allowing myself to be distracted. As I sit here, trying to type up an article for a magazine, I allow my mind to wander. I think about the chores that need to be done. Maybe I should call my grandma, but it’s too early for her to be awake. The kitchen really needs to be cleaned. Ok, I need to stop getting distracted, it’s my only day off and I’ve been looking forward to writing. I need to focus…
I need to go grocery shopping.
I’ve read that procrastination is rooted in fear of not being perfect, and when I read that, all the pieces clicked for me, because I’ve never felt lazy. I always have motivation to write, words and stories fighting to get out of my head, until the pressure of perfection becomes so overwhelming I get stuck, like a glitch in my brain. I need to power off and restart, and the cycle begins again.
I remember when I first began writing poetry. It allowed me to stray from the boundaries of perfectionism. I always thought I was bad at poetry, it would have to rhyme, or be in a certain format. Finally, I forced myself to let go of all of the rules, and create terrible poetry, poorly written, vulnerable, the words not making any sense, and exposing all of the pain I’ve been bottling up, telling myself “Just get it out, and then you can burn it later”. What a healing experience, to just let it go. I still have it saved somewhere. I learned that with poetry, I didn’t have to have perfect grammar, my thoughts could flow freely, and the emotion was more impactful than the perfect sentences. Poetry became freedom from perfectionism and now it is my escape.
Why do we feel the pressure to be perfect, when so many of us can still see the beauty in imperfection? When we see a wooden table, for example, with all the different patterns of growth, we think it’s beautiful, because it’s unique and has character from it’s time growing. We don’t hold others to the same standard as ourselves. We set our own standards too high, and maybe we hear the voices of others in our mind, telling us we aren’t good enough. Perfectionism is very emotional. We compare ourselves to others, we envy them, and we feel insecure about ourselves, our appearance, and our status. I almost always believe it is because we want to be perceived in a good light by others.
What does it look like?
I just bought my car, leasing actually, and I’m paying way too much money for it, but it is almost perfect. It has the heated seats I absolutely needed, one of my only requirements, and it smells like that new car smell. It is dust free, the carpets are so extremely clean, and the seats are comfortable. I can even connect my phone and listen to any music I want, I can see my maps right on the screen, and it has a charger built in. I have never had a brand new car that was my own, only used cars or shared family cars, but this one is all mine. There are no dents from stray shopping carts, no random junk items in the trunk to be discarded, no missing coins under the seats, and I already ordered my cute air freshener accessories to make it feel personal. Every small detail of this new car makes me happy. The next day, when I arrive at a friend’s house, they all come outside to admire my car, they tell me how beautiful it is, and then we return to the house. “That’s a really nice car, but when your lease is up, you should think about upgrading to…”
I explained to my friend, this is exactly why people are never satisfied with what they have. Every single detail of this car is perfect, and why would I stop believing that, to fantasize about a car I could have in the future. It isn’t just about the car though, this mindset is the reason people are not happy with their homes, their fashion, or even their career.
How many notebooks have I started, on that fresh, clean, first page, and after I see my messy writing I feel like I can’t write anymore in that book. I started one project, and I can’t use that book for another project. That would be chaotic. But soon, I have 12 notebooks of unfinished projects, and there is nothing more chaotic than trying to find which notebook you started a project and it’s lost now. And then I feel sorry for the poor notebook, looking for their purpose in life, only to have me abandon them after ruining their pristine pages with my ugly handwriting.
As I go back now to my old notebooks, I realize my handwriting is actually nice. I see a version of my past self that got me where I am today. I see many failed attempts to fit myself into a box I was never designed to fit into. I can finally embrace myself as I am. Someone who has flaws, and is sometimes messy and chaotic, but that’s what makes me human, and that’s what helps to make me interesting, and shows all the weird things I love about myself.
Have you ever been to someone’s house, and as you walk in, they say “Sorry for the mess”, but their house is clean and organized and you’re not sure why they would apologize? I once worked with a woman who offered to give me a ride home while my car was getting repaired. As I got into her car, she apologized for the mess. The car was clean, except for a pack of gum and a water bottle she left on the seat. This same woman wore makeup every day, was extremely thin, apologized often, and was always whispering to the point that no one could hear her. Her mother also worked in the building, and I realize now that she was a very controlling woman, always criticizing her daughter, and reprimanding her in front of others. “What did I tell you about wearing your hair like that?” On the surface, it looked like they had everything together, but when I got more familiar with them, I realized this young woman was very insecure and unhappy. No matter how much she tried, she could never live up to her mother’s expectations. She still put on her makeup, styled her hair, cleaned her car, and lowered her voice.
Sometimes perfectionism shows itself to me with my artwork. I see books on the bestsellers list, and I hate them, and I think “How did this book make the list? There’s no plot, the characters are flat, I’m not sure who is talking because the dialogue doesn’t flow, and I don’t think this scene has a place in the story at all. I can do better than that”. When I finally have the opportunity to share my own writing, I doubt myself. I question if I have what it takes to succeed and I see others who are more talented than me.
When I sit down at the keyboard, determined to write my bestseller, I feel like no one will have any interest. What if I’m not good enough? At that moment, it doesn’t matter that I’ve been reading and writing since I was four years old, it doesn’t matter that I’ve read a million books, or how many excellent test scores I’ve gotten, or how many hours I’ve spent writing.
How can we overcome it?
Maybe we don’t have to be perfect. We can just have the confidence to be good enough, not allow imposter syndrome to win, and stop comparing ourselves to others. I remind myself often that it is good to receive criticism, because it means I am making someone uncomfortable, and that is how we grow. Maybe not everyone will like my writing. We all want to be unique. Sometimes I worry that I have no new ideas, but when I talk to people close to me and they don’t understand my perspective I feel lonely. If I share my work, maybe people will read it and say “I get that ”, and that will be good enough for me. When people agree it makes us feel validated, but it is not necessary if you feel confident with yourself.
I remember that everyone has different tastes. For example, I absolutely loved Erin Morgensterns, The Night Circus. I loved the details, the feeling of walking through the circus, the multiple viewpoints, the images that appeared in my head from the descriptions, and the feeling that everyone in the circus is family, they are all linked together. I read through it quickly, and I recently went back for another read. When I go on Goodreads I see so much criticism, and I wonder if we are reading the same book. I thought it was beautiful, a masterpiece, it brought out so many feelings, but others didn’t feel that way, and that’s ok, we don’t all have to agree on things.
Maybe we can take care of the things that are important to us:
Stop trying to live up to impossible beauty standards. Drink more water, use sunblock, give yourself positive affirmations. Your body exists for you, and we wouldn’t be ourselves without it. So instead of constantly rejecting it and betraying ourselves, we need to embrace it.
When we make significant purchases, it should be what we need to make us comfortable. We should appreciate our home for what it is, and invest time to make it comfortable for us. Use colors that make you happy, hang your favorite artwork, bring out those sentimental pieces from your grandma, and hang your kids artwork. Don’t worry if it doesn’t live up to someone else’s expectations, make your home a place you’re happy and comfortable in.
Most of all, I think we can overcome perfectionism by feeling comfortable with failure and rejection. I remember that successful authors have submitted their work many times before finally being accepted. I try to remember that failing doesn’t mean we have to quit, it may hurt, but we can try again until we figure it out. We don’t have to be perfect today, we can just take small steps to be better than the day before, and over time we will see progress. We can be grateful for the journey while we try to reach our potential.
Thanks for reading. – Luna D. Eckerson
Average Rating:
You must be logged in to rate this post.