Three Little Birds

The car skirted down the desert road, shooting fast out of Roswell, New Mexico. The GPS and my mind were locked into the next destination, our motel room. The Crossroads Motel. It was cheap. The cheapest we could find. $70 a night. Plus it was just 30 minutes outside of the city, and we didn’t know which direction we would head next.

 Looking out at the dry endless landscape, I was surprised a functioning motel out here would even exist. But I asked my brother where he wanted to stay the night and he insisted we stay at a strange desert motel, just for the fun of it. It was the freedom of the road after all. We left our fates up to the wind since we’d gotten out here.

My twin Jared and I, both had an affinity for travel, always had. It was a bug inside of us. He’d seen movies about the “Great American Road Trip” and here we were, having it now, just the two of us. You could say we were free spirits, and that was partly true. My brother was, but I never felt like I could claim a title like that. Although we were twins, this was our first solo trip together, and I was determined to capture some of that free spirit air Jared had around himself. It came so easy to him.

 It was also the first time my brother had ever seen the American desert. I’d seen it once on my last trip, but this was different somehow. We were in it this time.

 The sun set across the rocky shrubs, casting an orange light over the clouds and sandy dirt. Dust kicked up behind us, as I accidentally hit another pothole.

“I need new tires,” I said.

“You’ve always got something to complain about. First, it’s another rock hitting your windshield and now it’s new tires. We’re fine.”

He could see the constant worry I had on my face about almost everything. He was right, we had been fine, even as the crack in my windshield grew by the day. I don’t know why, but it prompted something in me. Something I’d been meaning to say for a while.

“Jared, I’m just not sure what we’re doing anymore.”

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“I mean, I don’t know what I’m doing. You have a plan at least, like you’re going to get your teaching degree and go back to Bangladesh. I have nothing. Just moving forward aimlessly.”

“Mel, just shut up sometimes. And why do you think I know what I’m doing? I’m about as lost as you are. I’m just going around too.”

“I know, but no one is trying to make you into anything or anyone. The whole family is always on my case, not yours. But I don’t expect you to understand that.” I said, putting my foot a little faster on the gas pedal. I realized I was speeding and slowed down.

“Want to listen to some music?” Jared asked.

“Sure, put something on,” I said.

He turned on a reggae song by Bob Marley, Three Little Birds, and started singing “Every little thing’s gonna be alright.”

 “Can I smoke a cigarette in your car?” Jared asked. I turned, and he already had a white stick poking out between his long mustache and beard.

“Okay, fine just roll the windows down.”

He smiled and cupped his hand with the lighter.

I pressed the buttons and rolled every window in the car down to avoid the smell. The cool air of the desert rolled in and reminded me of the surreal beauty we were experiencing right now.

All my mind was stuck on was all the little mishaps we’d had along the way, my brother being the jerk I always forgot he was, and the huge voices back home telling me I was wasting my time going on this trip.

I opened my mouth to say something else, but Jared started first.

“This desert is beautiful. Aw man, we could go anywhere.”

“That’s what I wanted to say. At least that’s what I was hoping this trip would feel like.” I said.

“Nah. I’m glad you planned this sis. Where do you want to go next? Tomorrow, I mean.”

“I guess I haven’t decided that yet. We really could go anywhere. Colorado, Las Vegas, California. Or we could go back home.”

I hated myself for saying the last part out loud. The last thing I wanted to do was go home, but also I was tired. We’d been on the road for almost a month now.

Jared turned the music off.

“Hey, I understand. It’s been a long trip.” He said. He put the cigarette out on the side of my car and dropped the butt into the middle console. I winced as my car had now turned into an ashtray.

“What would you think about heading back? I mean this is the last time I’m probably going to see you until I don’t know when.” I said.

“I know. I would hate to end this trip, I feel like we just got started. But you’ve been driving so much, even before we started.”

I felt exhaustion pulling at my soul again. I didn’t have a clue what to do or be. And Jared needed to know this. He was my twin after all. The closest I’d ever get to being understood.

“Jared, I don’t want to end up regretting my life, but every step seems to be in the wrong direction or tying me down and I don’t want to be tied down anymore. That’s why I gotta keep going. Traveling on the road. I have to keep doing this. I don’t even know how to stop anymore.”

I confessed.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. I wiped them off and placed my hands back on the wheel.

Jared looked at me for a second, still smiling.

“You’re so serious sometimes.” He said.

“You think?” I asked.

“Like I know you’re running from life sis, but life is right here. Do you get me?”

“Sort of. I get that I need to just be present, but I don’t know where to even be next and that uncertainty is like killing me.” I said.

The sun was almost down, the red orb hanging lower and lower before finally sinking below the rocks.

“You’re killing you. You realize that? Not breathing or giving yourself a break even on vacation. Why make your own life miserable?”

The GPS chipped in telling me to turn right off of the interstate. We were there. The Crossroads Motel.

The big squares of the concrete building loomed over our car as the sky turned dark blue.

I parked and looked up at them. I saw a hawk perched on the edge just as the night started closing in on us.

“For once, I just wish I knew what I wanted. Or else I just want to quit this life and be a bird or something.” I said.

“Then quit it and be a bird, Mel. Be a bird.”

Jared and I unpacked our bags as the hawk continued to sit on the ledge of the building. It watched us through the glass doors as we went to the front desk. It stayed sitting there, even as we walked through the parking lot to our room. I thought maybe for a moment it was fake, but the head tilt indicated it was a real bird.

Hours later I was in bed, Jared had turned a podcast on to go to sleep and I put on my headphones. I still couldn’t sleep, so I went outside and sat down on the warm concrete outside the motel. The lamps outside were dim enough that I could see the main constellations. Big dipper. Orion.

Did I really say I wanted to be a bird?

 Maybe if I’d actually listened to what I’d been saying I would have said it differently. But deep down I felt a bird’s wings beating in my chest. A sort of new confidence, just from the thought. I thought back to the song my brother put on. What Bob Marley would say. Maybe every little thing could be alright.

I looked up again at the sky when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a bright light. At first, I thought it was a shooting star, so dim it barely registered in my head. Then I looked and there were three. Three little birds. 

The ground pulsed with a subsonic sound, like the ground buzz when Jared’s amp for his electric guitar glitched out. Three orange orbs pulsing, lowering over the motel parking lot. The cold white brightness burned behind my eyes, and I stood with a clenching pain. The moment my hand hit the door, it was all black.

I awoke under a bright light with a metallic taste of salt and dust in my mouth. My head and jaws still pulsed with an electric buzz, but the pain meant I was alive. I felt around me, the pebbles and tar of the parking lot. I sat up. I checked the time. Midnight. I went outside just an hour ago. It was still night somehow, but in my bones, I felt like I’d been unconscious for days.

Observing my surroundings, I shook to my feet. The doors to all the motel rooms were closed. Some still had lights on with people inside, watching TV. I looked around. The lobby was empty too, and probably locked at this point.

No one was around, no passerby. No one was shocked or in awe, or asking me if I was okay. No extra cars entered the parking lot, though a few passed down the road. I needed an ambulance- my head was killing me.

Jared could take me to the hospital. I normally wouldn’t have let him drive, but I needed him to now. I must have had a seizure or something. That awful taste of burnt metal still burned down my throat and through my nostrils.

I stumbled back to our gray motel room door, pulling the key card out of my back pocket. I fumbled with the door, finally giving it a good shove open.

“Jared. Something messed up just happened.” I said as I tumbled into the dark room. “I need to-“

I stopped as the realization sunk in. The bed next to mine was made up like it had never been touched. My stuff was there, my pink floral bag. My bed sheets kicked back the same way I’d left them an hour ago.  I searched the room for any sign of Jared. His brown backpack. His suitcase. His headphones. Nothing. Jared was just gone.

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