Author’s note – I wrote this piece as a satirical homage to a conversation that I had with my brother last night that I found to be particularly comical. The fact that “Porky’s”, a film that I remember watching with him in 1981 with minimal fanfare, was the hill that he wanted to die on was especially fascinating. “Nostalgia is history without guilt” or something to that effect.
Christ on a cracker, what happened to movies? In this age of spandex-clad superheroes and indie flicks so navel-gazey they’d make Narcissus blush, we’ve lost something vital. Something raw. Something that’d make your grandma clutch her pearls so hard they’d turn to dust.
I’m talking about “Porky’s,” you uncultured swine.
That 1982 masterpiece makes today’s limp-wristed “comedies” look like a Jane Austen novel read by a choir of castrati. And don’t you dare roll your eyes at me, you participation-trophy millennials. You wouldn’t know cinematic genius if it tea-bagged you in the locker room.
Gone are the days when a movie’s entire plot could revolve around horny teenage boys trying to get an eyeful of sweet, sweet nudity. Now we’re force-fed this crap about “character arcs” and “emotional depth.” What a load of bull. How the hell are we supposed to enjoy a film without gratuitous T&A and jokes that’d make a sailor blush?
Remember when comedies didn’t need clever writing or social commentary? “Porky’s” showed us that all you really need for a box office smash is a gang of walking boners, a few pranks that’d land you in jail nowadays, and a blatant disregard for silly things like “consent” or “basic human decency.” It’s a formula that worked like gangbusters, but these modern filmmakers with their fancy film school degrees and “ethics” have their heads so far up their asses they can’t see the pure genius of it.
Today’s movies are weighed down with PC bullshit. Where’s the fun in that? In “Porky’s,” we didn’t have to worry about offending people or “respecting women” or any of that namby-pamby nonsense. The film tackled the real issues, like how to get laid without all that pesky “asking permission” crap, or how to stick it to The Man by being even bigger assholes than he is. You know, the important stuff!
And let’s talk about character development, shall we? Who needs complex, layered personalities when you can have walking, talking stereotypes? “Porky’s” blessed us with such unforgettable characters as “Horny Jock #1,” “Horny Nerd #2,” and “Girl Who Exists Solely for Boys to Ogle.” That, my friends, is what I call cinematic excellence!
So here’s to you, “Porky’s,” you beautiful, problematic bastard. Your absence leaves a gaping hole in our cultural landscape, one that can never truly be filled by movies that actually respect their audience or contribute something positive to society. What a crock of shit.
May your spirit live on, inspiring future generations to aim for the lowest common denominator. Because if there’s one thing this world needs more of, it’s movies that make us long for the good old days when casual sexism was just good clean fun and political correctness hadn’t sucked all the joy out of being a complete and utter douchebag.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to watch “Porky’s” for the 127th time. It’s the closest thing we have to true cinema these days. And if you don’t agree, well, you can kiss my hairy ass!