I’ve always loved pumpkin spice season. It used to be October, now it’s as early as August. I do this year as I do every year- I grab all the pumpkin spice products I can find since the products would be gone by late November. At the end of the season, I like to stock up on all the pumpkin spice items I can find so I can eat them for a few weeks afterward; maybe longer if I properly rationed.
Now pumpkin spice comes out in August. I am so happy.
Since it was early in the season, I decided to limit myself to one item of each category of food and drink and some household items that might have been questionable, but hey, it’s pumpkin spice time.
I woke up the next morning to find all my pumpkin spice supplies gone. Even the pumpkin spice butt wipes. A very questionable purchase that I do not regret in the slightest.
I went out and bought more stuff. I put a lock on the cabinet. Maybe I was robbed in the middle of the night. Maybe I was using the products in my sleep. I even tied a rope around my ankle restraining myself to the bedpost just in case.
The next morning, I was still in my bed. I found I was still securely attached, as I tripped trying to leave in the morning.
But my pumpkin spice was all gone. Again.
The next plan was to stay awake all night next to my kitchen cabinet where most of my pumpkin spice products were housed.
But I fell asleep. I dreamed I was sitting in the middle of a pumpkin patch wearing a cute fall outfit complete with a cashmere scarf and matching hat. I was sipping a Pumpkin Spice latte. I could feel the latte’s warmth and creaminess along my tongue.. There was a light breeze in the air that smelled pleasantly of pumpkins and apples.
Then the latte slouched up my nose. I sneezed.
My eyes opened, and I was lying next to the cabinet. The pumpkin spice smell was really strong, like thousands of pumpkin spice canisters inside my nose. I sneezed again.
I tried to wipe my nose, but my arm was restrained. I looked down to see that I was covered in some sort of slime that varied in color from light yellow to dark orange with dark brown speckles. The speckles moved across the surface of the slime, creating larger spots that moved like it was a virtual reality landscape. I tried to get up, but the slime was strong. And it was growing in a tight cocoon around my body. I was stuck to the ground. Above me, the slime had fashioned itself a blob head, complete with a face. It had large, fluorescent yellow eyes and a wide mouth with slime dripping down like stalactite teeth onto the floor.
It leaned closer to my face. “Do you ever wonder where all the pumpkin spice products come from? Do you think they originate in a factory?” It had a sweet voice for something so menacing. I expected it to talk like Jabba the Hut.
“Yes….No. Absolutely not. I mean, that would be ridiculous. Why would they come from a factory?”
“Do you have any guesses?” Its stalactite teeth started leaking onto my face. I closed my eyes to avoid getting the slime in them. I winced as it splattered on my face.
“It comes from me,” it hissed. “I am the essence of pumpkin spice. It used to be a great job. I’m beloved by many, and I make good money from the season. But then more pumpkin spice products were needed. Do you know what limited edition means?”
It paused. I didn’t say anything back. I couldn’t even open my eyes as the slime was now a sleeping mask over them.
“It means it’s limited. Pumpkin spice used to be like that. It used to come out in October, just in time for Halloween. Just October. Maybe it starts at the end of September and stuff is on clearance in the middle of November. But now things have changed. It comes out in early August and stays until the end of November.
“Do you know how taxing it is to create that many pumpkin spice products? And to make products that are completely ridiculous. Like those butt wipes you purchased.”
“I like how they smell when I use them.”
“The Pumpkin spice kitty litter. You don’t even own a cat.”
“It’s for my friend. It’s her cat’s gotcha day…in three months. But I like the picture on the box, so I’m using it as a Halloween decoration until I give it to her.”
“The capitalists said I needed to do whatever I needed to do to get back to work and make more pumpkin spice products. I am so depleted. So. Weak. I just need a little pick me up from a pumpkin spice lover who buys into all the products. Just to rejuvenate a little, so I can go back to work. A pick me up.”
It’s widening its mouth. I am lifted off the floor. I try to squirm away, but it holds on tight. It swallows me whole in a single gulp.
The slime goes into my nostrils. It burns from my nose down into my lungs. My skin dissolves. Then my muscle tissue. Then my bones. Then my internal organs. Then…